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I would call this a human question, but then again, Urza posed it to me one night, years ago, though he used slightly different words.
"We both married as tradition demanded, for name or riches or common sense," he said, "but I have found affection with my first wife. We are content with each other. You fall in love so easily, Paso Leati - why not with one of your wives? What do they lack that other women possess, hm? Daggair is not ugle and well versed in courtly intrigue, and you do have a career to maintain. The Lady Mariel is certainly beautiful beyond compare, and passionate."
I gave him a look then, wondering whether he spoke of personal experience, but not really wishing to know. Besides, Urza had ended his military career and withdrawn into the private life, and that meant Mariel probably wouldn't be interested.
"And not a word about Timov?" I asked instead, mocking myself along with her and him. "Her docility, her gentleness, her charming voice and unwavering enthusiasm for our marriage?"
"You know very well you like Timov better than any of the rest," Urza replied, unruffled. "But I know better than to ask why you won't fall in love with her. The two of you are too good as sparring partners, and women handle their blades with much more ruthlessness than any man in the Courto Prido, my friend."
I poured myself another cup of his fine brivari and declined to comment on the matter of Timov. His Ioriginal question, though, deserved an answer. In truth, it did surprise me at times that I never had fallen in love with Mariel. As Urza had observed, she was beautiful, and she certainly had her ways of making a man reach six in the bedchamber. The fact that she was far from stupid and had an almost infallible instinct about which men would achieve power should have been an additional incentive.
And yet. Even before I had reason to nickname her "Death", I never felt more than a somewhat distanced amused admiration at best.
"Well," I said, "beauty and passion are certainly fine qualities, and far be it from me to deny their attraction. After all, I do not visit night clubs and taverns to look at ugly people, yes? But there has to be more."
"And what is that, Paso Leati?" he insisted. "For you? What makes you fall in love with a woman instead of just wishing to share a night with her and be done with it? Maybe if we can find out, there will be a new wife for you, and you will not long for that impossible lady, the glorious past, or not so much anymore."
I tried to put in words what I felt, but for some reason, I couldn't, not during that night, and so we drank more brivari, and whiled the hours away in other pleasant ways. Years have passed since then, and the goddess Li has called me into her service once more, so let me answer you know, Urza, whereever you might be after the blade you gave me and my own hand seperated us forever.
I found love again when I saw a dancer look at me through a room full of people, a woman who had no reason to believe in the kindness of strangers any more and who as I later found out had been most cruelly abused by life. And I found it in an even less likely place, though I do not wish to think about it if I can avoid it any way. What my darling Adira and this one other person have in common is almost nothing, save this: for some reason, they found it in their hearts to love me. To look at me as I am, with all my faults, and now the blood on my hands, and yet not look away. And that quality might be what I am unable to resist.
"We both married as tradition demanded, for name or riches or common sense," he said, "but I have found affection with my first wife. We are content with each other. You fall in love so easily, Paso Leati - why not with one of your wives? What do they lack that other women possess, hm? Daggair is not ugle and well versed in courtly intrigue, and you do have a career to maintain. The Lady Mariel is certainly beautiful beyond compare, and passionate."
I gave him a look then, wondering whether he spoke of personal experience, but not really wishing to know. Besides, Urza had ended his military career and withdrawn into the private life, and that meant Mariel probably wouldn't be interested.
"And not a word about Timov?" I asked instead, mocking myself along with her and him. "Her docility, her gentleness, her charming voice and unwavering enthusiasm for our marriage?"
"You know very well you like Timov better than any of the rest," Urza replied, unruffled. "But I know better than to ask why you won't fall in love with her. The two of you are too good as sparring partners, and women handle their blades with much more ruthlessness than any man in the Courto Prido, my friend."
I poured myself another cup of his fine brivari and declined to comment on the matter of Timov. His Ioriginal question, though, deserved an answer. In truth, it did surprise me at times that I never had fallen in love with Mariel. As Urza had observed, she was beautiful, and she certainly had her ways of making a man reach six in the bedchamber. The fact that she was far from stupid and had an almost infallible instinct about which men would achieve power should have been an additional incentive.
And yet. Even before I had reason to nickname her "Death", I never felt more than a somewhat distanced amused admiration at best.
"Well," I said, "beauty and passion are certainly fine qualities, and far be it from me to deny their attraction. After all, I do not visit night clubs and taverns to look at ugly people, yes? But there has to be more."
"And what is that, Paso Leati?" he insisted. "For you? What makes you fall in love with a woman instead of just wishing to share a night with her and be done with it? Maybe if we can find out, there will be a new wife for you, and you will not long for that impossible lady, the glorious past, or not so much anymore."
I tried to put in words what I felt, but for some reason, I couldn't, not during that night, and so we drank more brivari, and whiled the hours away in other pleasant ways. Years have passed since then, and the goddess Li has called me into her service once more, so let me answer you know, Urza, whereever you might be after the blade you gave me and my own hand seperated us forever.
I found love again when I saw a dancer look at me through a room full of people, a woman who had no reason to believe in the kindness of strangers any more and who as I later found out had been most cruelly abused by life. And I found it in an even less likely place, though I do not wish to think about it if I can avoid it any way. What my darling Adira and this one other person have in common is almost nothing, save this: for some reason, they found it in their hearts to love me. To look at me as I am, with all my faults, and now the blood on my hands, and yet not look away. And that quality might be what I am unable to resist.
