londo_mollari: (Londo)
I almost died, a short while ago, and it seemed to me a simple word was what saved me. Whether I was dreaming or, as G'Kar insists - he would - was having a revelation, I will never know, nor care to, but I have said it. It has made me consider other unsaid words. There are not many in my life.

I shall always be grateful that I told Adira how much I loved her. Sometimes I wonder whether I should not have done so, whether this would have kept her alive and well; but if she had died without knowing? No, it was better to tell her. It was little enough I could do for her. Vir, too, knows how I treasure his friendship. No, my regrets when it comes to words not said do not concern feelings.

Naturally, I wish that I had never told Mr. Morden anything else than to leave me alone, and yet if I had a choice, I would not take back my words to him. If I had not told him what I wanted, he would have chosen G'Kar, who already had, and G'Kar then was not as he is now. The blood of millions might be on my hands, and I know there will be a reckoning; but most of it is not the blood of my people. If G'Kar and the Narn had become the Shadows' instruments, the Centauri would live no more. None of us. Allow me the selfishness of preferring the way it happened, yes?

But there was one instance where some simply words would have made a difference for the better which would not have meant the death of anyone else. Well, at least I think so. When the late Emperor Cartagia asked me what he should do about the way G'Kar was looking for him, I was distracted, and in a hurry; I thought of Cartagia's impending demise, about the people of the island of Celini, and the need to get rid of the Shadows before the Vorlons arrived on Centauri Prime. And thus I replied "oh, I'm sure whatever your majesty will come up with will be appropriate", and went away. To this day, I have not stopped wishing I had concentrated on the present a bit more. Cartagia was cruel, but he could be swayed. I have been able to influence him, not always, but now and then. Maybe if I had suggested to blindfold G'Kar, the Emperor would have been satisfied. And both of G'Kar's eyes would glare at me today, instead of one.

Just a few words. "Your Majesty, why not blindfold him? Would that not be a merry jest, letting him around with Centauri silk wrapped over his head?" But they were not spoken, and the next time I saw G'Kar, he had only one eye and told me he could see the emptiness within. Sometimes, I tell myself that Cartagia might just as well decided to blind both of us if I had said this, but this is only a poor excuse, and I cannot bring myself to believe it.

But not even the Maker himself can turn back time. Or retrieve a single unsaid word.

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londo_mollari

July 2010

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